Travel Essentials: Survive and Flourish

Oh, the joys of traveling. There’s nothing quite like a random woman stealing your neck rest mid-flight and refusing to give it back or a druggie overdosing next to you on the bus. Unfortunately, I’ve been through more travel horror stories than what I would expect a normal person to have. But, because I am always going to and from one place or another constantly dealing with minor travesties along the way, I now consider myself to be the Martha Stewart of packing. Just minus the money and jail sentence. That one I can live without, though apparently, she had a pretty sweet set up.

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Martha knows best!

Here’s a list of my top items, and below what my packing list looks like 🙂

Hand Sanitizer:

If you know me personally, you would know that I like to feel clean and germ-free. Unfortunately, though, I frequently find myself in germy situations, though I am unaware of this harsh reality at the time. To set the scene, on a trip to NY, I was so horrified by how overcrowded and microbe-infested the subway was, I got off at one of the sketchiest parts of the city and bought an economy-sized bottle of hand sanitizer. First of all, of course I would have preferred pocket size, but 7/11 had some limited options that day. Beggars can’t be choosers, friends. All I can say is yes I got laughed at toting around a 1 pound bottle of sanitizer but did I get sick during that trip? No, I certainly did not! Who’s laughing now? Another friendly tip, If you happen to come across someone carrying a 1 pound bottle of sanitizer and proceed to laugh at them but then ask for some moments later, take a minute to reconsider. Said person may not, in fact, be the Mother Teresa of the subway, and there’s a good chance that they will be unwilling to forgive and forget. I know a lot of people have mixed feeling about hand sanitizer but personally, it has become imperative to my survival. College will whack your immune system like a Piñata. I always use an organic sanitizer so I don’t feel so bad. Regardless of how you feel about sanitizer, I think it’s undeniable that life can hit you with one too many moments where you wished you had something to clean your hands with. Unless of course, you fear nothing. In that case, I wish you all the best!

Neck Rest:

If you’re flying, you simply need something to support the old noggin! I learned this the hard way, and I’ll never be making that mistake again. My neck looked like a question mark by the time I touched down. Funny enough, one time I actually forgot my neck rest and realized this halfway to the airport. I screamed “STOP, MY NECKREST!” and made my mom and 5-star chauffeur drive me all the way back home so I could snatch it up. 4 hours later I’m sitting as contently as someone who’s not in first-class could be with my beloved neck rest. “How wonderful life is with you, sweet neck-rest,” I thought. In that moment of bliss, a tragedy occurred. My neck rest became suicidal and fell from my seat to the lady in the back of me’s lap. I thought, “No worries, I’ll just say sorry and get it back.” HA! Absolutely false. Turns out I was sitting in front of satan’s redneck cousin, Jolene. If she hasn’t taken your man yet, she will take your neck rest. This sunburnt tomato of a woman in an American flag shirt and matching cap literally grabbed my neck rest and put it behind her head and refused to give it back until I forcefully stole it back at the end of the flight. This was a capital offense if you ask me, and I’m still speaking with my lawyers about this travesty. I’ll let you know when she’s convicted.

A Good Book (or Decoy):

There’s never a better time to settle in and read a good book than when you’re suspended in a tin can magically floating in the air with no wifi. Fun fact: Last time I was reading a book on the plane, it served as a fabulous conversation starter with the cutest guy ever who just so happened to be sitting next to me. (Shout out God! Better than the lady last time on her way to rehab going through withdrawals!) We were both pretending to be immersed in our books, and then eventually came clean that we weren’t interested in them at all and talked for the rest of the flight. Great for us, not for the lady in the back of us who told us to shut up. Ahem, very rude. Can’t you see I’m getting the most attention I’ve had in centuries?! Also, this was a morning flight. It was like 10am, so keep your comments to yourself lady, I was using my inside voice.

Chargers:

If you forget your chargers, you will die. These are simply the facts. Nothing more to say about that.

Headphones:

Nothing terrifies me more than not being able to listen to music in public. One of my worst nightmares. If I ever got stuck on over a 3-hour flight and had no tunes to dull the horrors around me I would probably lose what’s left of my mind. Please don’t be one of those people that think it’s ok to listen to stuff on blast without earbuds on a plane. Those people are an entirely different breed of human and I would love to see their ancestory.com results. They all have to be related to the same obnoxious person. Bevis? Perhaps, Butthead?

Notebook:

Any extended period of time where you have limited options for what you can do is a great time to write. I love to write down what I’m grateful for, any ideas that pop into my head (lmao, like I ever have ideas), and maybe a just a “how my day is going” entry if I’m feelin extra fancy. I always crack myself up because if I ever write a journal entry I’ll literally try to be funny knowing full well I’m the only one who’s ever going to read it. Then I’ll go back and read what I wrote days later and be like lmao, damn I’m good. It’s pretty sad, really. Almost seems like a scene from American Psycho.

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Me @ future me reading my own jokes

 

Savannah’s Travel Must-Haves

Carry on:

  • Hand Sanitizer: Two words, THE PLAGUE
  • Headphones: Simply a must unless you enjoy purgatory
  • Essential Oils: Great to put on your temples and wrists!
  • Notebook: If you have ideas write them down! If you don’t, write your self a good old joke. Knock knock? Who’s there? Yourself.
  • Sheet Masks: If people fear you, they are weak and you are both mentally and physically superior
  •  Lip Balm: Bitches get crusty real quick
  • Gum: Never be caught foul breathed! Or if your a dumb ass like me and forgot to buy snacks, you can use gum to not only fill the void but also give yourself the worst stomach ache ever
  • Rose Water Facial Spray: Thank me later
  • Charger: Forget them and face the consequences
  • Power Bank: You never know when your phone will decide to yeet its battery life away
  • Bioderma: It’s so nice to freshen up the old mug before landing
  • Eye Drops: Shit be dry, bitches be burnin
  • Ear Plugs: Crying babies materialize next to me frequently, always be prepared
  • Eye Mask: For blockin out the haters
  • Book: Read it up, flirt it up

Suitcase:

 

 

 

 

Juice Cleanses: If you Make it Out ​Alive, you’re Clearly Related to Hercules

I thought I was strong, but gradually an evil pizza-demanding fiend appeared and no one was safe. I should have known.

Wow, here we are, folks. If you’ve ever thought about doing a juice cleanse, or are interested in a harrowing tale filled with hope, pain, and rebirth then strap on in. If it’s anything like my juice cleanse experience, the ride will be less than pleasant.

Part One: Visions of Renewal Fuelled with Delusion:

Let’s set the scene: a tired, dull and increasingly flabby individual is staring herself down in the mirror. “How sad”, she thinks. “Is this what I look like? Tragic.” Reality strikes, people! And when it does, it’s best to be as far away from a mirror as possible. I’ve always wanted to do a juice cleanse, and being the delusional optimist that I am, this was not only the perfect time to do it but it would also completely transform me into the young Claudia Schiffer I know lies within. She’s just resting right now! I knew God supported my decision when I went on to Pressed Juicery’s website and saw that they were having a promotional deal. Like any rational person, I shrieked and rallied the troops. Juice cleanses are better with friends so you can share your mutual pain and suffering. Juice cleansing is a team sport, simply facts, people. I skipped all the way to the Pressed store and with each skip, I felt more and more like Gwenyth Paltrow. I bought my juices, holding one in my hands proudly and delivered an Oscar-winning speech, thanking the workers for their part in my rebirth. The Gwenyth inside told me to. The workers were both honored and touched, but I’m sure this type of thing happens every day. Fools scampering in, ready for a new life. The workers urging them on, only to laugh menacingly once they leave the store. If only they knew the horrors that lie ahead, suckers.

Part 2: It Begins

I’m home now, and I can’t wait to start the cleanse. So much so, that when I fall asleep I dream that I’m on Oprah speaking about all my success. What do I credit all my fame and glory to? The juice cleanse. It’s obvious that the stakes have been set waayyyyy too high. The comedown will be brutal. As they say, what goes up must come down! I go to my fridge and look at all my pretty little juices that I payed way too much for and read each label happily, only wincing after reading “roots  2.” MMMM roots, my favorite…. The first juice wasn’t bad at all, quite pleasant actually. What could be better than juice for breakfast? “Literally nothing”, I told myself. Each juice was to be had at two-hour intervals between its other juice brothers and sisters. I was living it up until I hit juice three. We don’t like to speak about juice three, because that’s when my optimism flew straight out the window and the horrific and painful reality of what it means to only drink juice all day set in. It was sour, my stomach was churning, I felt nauseous, various segments of my life all involving sweet sweet food came to mind with every sip. The horror, the sheer audacity of it all. I still had three more to go?!? With my last sip of juice three, I realized that If I wasn’t dead by the end of this, I had superpowers that entailed incredible juice drinking abilities.

As the day went on, various demons within reared their ugly heads. The food devil was so strong that I was halfway down the street on the way to get a burger until the fog lifted around me and I had to state my name, date of birth and address in order to remember who I was and why I was in the middle of nowhere. My roommate came in with Hot Cheetos and I had to instruct her to restrain me so I didn’t assault her for them. Thankfully no one was harmed during the entirety of the cleanse, at least that I can remember. I think I blacked out at some point. By the end of the day, I had successfully finished all six juices but felt so nauseous that I imagined my stomach was a concert arena, and there was definitely a heavy metal band playing, and there was definitly a mosh pit. I went to bed at 7 and prayed for the day from hell to end.

 

 

Part 3: The Aftermath. Claudia Schiffer, Is that you?

Thank God I woke up the next day. That was a close one. Could have easily withered away in my sleep. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. Unfortunately, it was still just me, but hot damn I looked skinny! “Hmmm maybe it was worth it”’ I thought. LMAO, JUST KIDDING! As soon as I sniffed my breakfast, my stomach immediately blopped out over my jeans and I shed a single tear. As far as energy went, I was a walking zombie, so the usual. Nothing new there. Maybe my skin was clearer than usual the next few days? But that’s a huge maybe. I could have easily fabricated that in my head just to make myself feel better. I felt the same as I usually would in the next coming week, not bad but certainly not as thrilled as Billy Mays once was selling Oxy Clean. (That was my goal.) Moral of the story, the only thing I really gained from doing this cleanse was the ability to say I made it through a juice cleanse without cheating and prove my questionable willpower to myself. Thank God I didn’t pick the experienced cleanse over the basic cleanse. The endorphins get going and I simply can’t be trusted to make rational decisions. I just get way too excited. Oh, I also learned I’m not a sadist because of my choice to do the basic cleanse, so that’s pretty great. One more fun fact to tell people at parties. “Hey Tommy, did you know that I’m not a sadist? You too? Cool! We should totally hang out sometime!”

About two months after I did the cleanse I went to Pressed for ice cream, you obviously won’t be seeing me there for anything else ever again. Me being the lonely, social interaction lacking person I am, I tried to strike up a convo with one of the people working there and asked if they’d ever done a cleanse. When they replied yes, I couldn’t wait to relate our struggles. Cleanse buddies!! Instead, they went on to say that they had done a week-long cleanse and thought that it was easy. I was horrified, disgusted, to say the least. You foul human, you. Who are you? What are you?  After, one of the most fabulous, “I’m very obviously incredibly wealthy” women walked over to me while my mouth was still agape trying to process what I had just heard and said, “Those cleanses are hell, I almost died on a One Day.” Needless to say, my faith in humanity was immediately restored. If this moment was a bell curve, the superhuman freak behind the Pressed counter would be way outside of me and my new rich best friend’s cool kid curve. So take that. Also, I realized that because of this, I had more in common with the skinny, glowing, fabulously wealthy and thankfully honest lady than I could have ever imagined. If I had to do a soul-sucking cleanse to realize this, then It was all worth it in the end.

Keep it real,

Savannah