Juice Cleanses: If you Make it Out ​Alive, you’re Clearly Related to Hercules

I thought I was strong, but gradually an evil pizza-demanding fiend appeared and no one was safe. I should have known.

Wow, here we are, folks. If you’ve ever thought about doing a juice cleanse, or are interested in a harrowing tale filled with hope, pain, and rebirth then strap on in. If it’s anything like my juice cleanse experience, the ride will be less than pleasant.

Part One: Visions of Renewal Fuelled with Delusion:

Let’s set the scene: a tired, dull and increasingly flabby individual is staring herself down in the mirror. “How sad”, she thinks. “Is this what I look like? Tragic.” Reality strikes, people! And when it does, it’s best to be as far away from a mirror as possible. I’ve always wanted to do a juice cleanse, and being the delusional optimist that I am, this was not only the perfect time to do it but it would also completely transform me into the young Claudia Schiffer I know lies within. She’s just resting right now! I knew God supported my decision when I went on to Pressed Juicery’s website and saw that they were having a promotional deal. Like any rational person, I shrieked and rallied the troops. Juice cleanses are better with friends so you can share your mutual pain and suffering. Juice cleansing is a team sport, simply facts, people. I skipped all the way to the Pressed store and with each skip, I felt more and more like Gwenyth Paltrow. I bought my juices, holding one in my hands proudly and delivered an Oscar-winning speech, thanking the workers for their part in my rebirth. The Gwenyth inside told me to. The workers were both honored and touched, but I’m sure this type of thing happens every day. Fools scampering in, ready for a new life. The workers urging them on, only to laugh menacingly once they leave the store. If only they knew the horrors that lie ahead, suckers.

Part 2: It Begins

I’m home now, and I can’t wait to start the cleanse. So much so, that when I fall asleep I dream that I’m on Oprah speaking about all my success. What do I credit all my fame and glory to? The juice cleanse. It’s obvious that the stakes have been set waayyyyy too high. The comedown will be brutal. As they say, what goes up must come down! I go to my fridge and look at all my pretty little juices that I payed way too much for and read each label happily, only wincing after reading “roots  2.” MMMM roots, my favorite…. The first juice wasn’t bad at all, quite pleasant actually. What could be better than juice for breakfast? “Literally nothing”, I told myself. Each juice was to be had at two-hour intervals between its other juice brothers and sisters. I was living it up until I hit juice three. We don’t like to speak about juice three, because that’s when my optimism flew straight out the window and the horrific and painful reality of what it means to only drink juice all day set in. It was sour, my stomach was churning, I felt nauseous, various segments of my life all involving sweet sweet food came to mind with every sip. The horror, the sheer audacity of it all. I still had three more to go?!? With my last sip of juice three, I realized that If I wasn’t dead by the end of this, I had superpowers that entailed incredible juice drinking abilities.

As the day went on, various demons within reared their ugly heads. The food devil was so strong that I was halfway down the street on the way to get a burger until the fog lifted around me and I had to state my name, date of birth and address in order to remember who I was and why I was in the middle of nowhere. My roommate came in with Hot Cheetos and I had to instruct her to restrain me so I didn’t assault her for them. Thankfully no one was harmed during the entirety of the cleanse, at least that I can remember. I think I blacked out at some point. By the end of the day, I had successfully finished all six juices but felt so nauseous that I imagined my stomach was a concert arena, and there was definitely a heavy metal band playing, and there was definitly a mosh pit. I went to bed at 7 and prayed for the day from hell to end.

 

 

Part 3: The Aftermath. Claudia Schiffer, Is that you?

Thank God I woke up the next day. That was a close one. Could have easily withered away in my sleep. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. Unfortunately, it was still just me, but hot damn I looked skinny! “Hmmm maybe it was worth it”’ I thought. LMAO, JUST KIDDING! As soon as I sniffed my breakfast, my stomach immediately blopped out over my jeans and I shed a single tear. As far as energy went, I was a walking zombie, so the usual. Nothing new there. Maybe my skin was clearer than usual the next few days? But that’s a huge maybe. I could have easily fabricated that in my head just to make myself feel better. I felt the same as I usually would in the next coming week, not bad but certainly not as thrilled as Billy Mays once was selling Oxy Clean. (That was my goal.) Moral of the story, the only thing I really gained from doing this cleanse was the ability to say I made it through a juice cleanse without cheating and prove my questionable willpower to myself. Thank God I didn’t pick the experienced cleanse over the basic cleanse. The endorphins get going and I simply can’t be trusted to make rational decisions. I just get way too excited. Oh, I also learned I’m not a sadist because of my choice to do the basic cleanse, so that’s pretty great. One more fun fact to tell people at parties. “Hey Tommy, did you know that I’m not a sadist? You too? Cool! We should totally hang out sometime!”

About two months after I did the cleanse I went to Pressed for ice cream, you obviously won’t be seeing me there for anything else ever again. Me being the lonely, social interaction lacking person I am, I tried to strike up a convo with one of the people working there and asked if they’d ever done a cleanse. When they replied yes, I couldn’t wait to relate our struggles. Cleanse buddies!! Instead, they went on to say that they had done a week-long cleanse and thought that it was easy. I was horrified, disgusted, to say the least. You foul human, you. Who are you? What are you?  After, one of the most fabulous, “I’m very obviously incredibly wealthy” women walked over to me while my mouth was still agape trying to process what I had just heard and said, “Those cleanses are hell, I almost died on a One Day.” Needless to say, my faith in humanity was immediately restored. If this moment was a bell curve, the superhuman freak behind the Pressed counter would be way outside of me and my new rich best friend’s cool kid curve. So take that. Also, I realized that because of this, I had more in common with the skinny, glowing, fabulously wealthy and thankfully honest lady than I could have ever imagined. If I had to do a soul-sucking cleanse to realize this, then It was all worth it in the end.

Keep it real,

Savannah

Skincare- The Road to Radiance​…or Rage

Ah, skincare. The shimmering beam of hope I always turn to in times of darkness, aka whenever an unwelcome skin demon appears on my face. Lately, my skin’s actually been a pretty cool gal, but it hasn’t always been that way. Although I have sat her down a few times and sternly said, “Hey you! Ya, that’s right I’m talking to you. Calm down B, who hurt you?”, She honestly still didn’t listen. Because of this foul, unreasonable behavior, I went on the hunt for products that really work for me, and hopefully you too! Sweetie, I’ve been through it all and wow, there are so many products that steal your money and faith in humanity! Over a long period of trial and error with dermatologists and about every single acne product on the shelf, I’ve discovered that my skin is ridiculously sensitive (let’s just say I figured out I was allergic to benzoyl peroxide with a hideous chemical burn earning me the nickname tomato Trudy… *cries*) Anyways, I finally got things on lockdown and am (finally) seeing results.

Here’s the lineup: (Morning Routine; boy do I hate the A.M, smh)

*Everyone Face Cleanser

This cleanser is simply amazing for sensitive acne-prone skin. It smells amazing, and really helps to wake me up in the morning, and might I add that that is extremely hard to do lol. When I first purchased this I was worried that the scent would irritate my skin, but I’m happy to announce that it didn’t. I find this to be non-drying, thank God because I was so used to washing my face and feeling like my skin was going to crack off. Thus I said “See ya later sweetheart”, to all the harsh products that made my skin send out e-vites to its own funeral.

*Everyone Face Toner

A true gem right here folks, this toner is like spraying angel breath on your face, which I can assure you is quite pleasant and not uncomfortably moist at all. Before I started using this toner, I was using one that had to be poured onto a cotton pad, and between that and removing my makeup at night, cotton pads were few and far in-between. That I just couldn’t have, because the distance between my dorm and a drugstore is about the distance between earth and a planet we haven’t even discovered yet. This leaves my skin hydrated, soft and calm! Not only that, but it only takes a few seconds to sink into your skin.

*Radha Beauty Vitamin C Serum for Face

Honestly, I was so against vitamin C for the longest time. I admit I was bitter. I tried a variety of highly rated vitamin c serums and time after time ended up disappointed. They always left a weird sheen on my face, broke me out and never really yielded any visible results. I decided to take the plunge back into vitamin c now that my skin is relatively acne free, and my main concern are the scars left over. I was shocked when I woke up the morning after I tried this out and saw immediate results. I use this every day and night, and within a week or two it has already completely changed my skin for the better and leaves no sheen, is non-irritating and smells like heaven on earth.

*Seriously Shine Free Moisturizer

When I moved to southern California, my skin was certainly not used to the heat, and nasty oil production was the result. I was on the hunt for a matte moisturizer for the daytime and eventually came across this one. I was worried it was going to clog my pores, but it actually cleans them out! This moisturizer has salicylic acid in it and it helps to keep acne at bay while you go through the day. When I was reading reviews on it, a lot of people mentioned that it has a pretty horrific scent, so I was pretty sketched out but still took a leap of faith and thankfully there’s no offensive scent at all. But hey like Febreze says, maybe I’m just nose-blind. But I have 20/20 vision and not to brag, but I think my nose does too.

*La Roche-Posay Anthelios 60 Ultra Light Sunscreen

Hate to say it, but I was sooo late to the sunscreen bandwagon. I always felt like it broke me out and left a white cast on my skin. The SoCal sun is basically the devil, and I’m so fair that I practically wake up with a sunburn because the sun burns so bright through my windows. After a lot of tragic life lessons, (one word, Hawaii), I finally realized the importance of sunscreen, and if you don’t already I hope you do soon. Also, the use of vitamin c makes your skin even more susceptible to burns, so SPF is essential to survival. This sunscreen is very thin, leaves no cast and doesn’t irritate my skin.

The Lineup part 2: (Night Routine, lazy and over it)

*Alba Face and Body Scrub

Now see here, scrubs are not usually my friend. If I haven’t said it 9891992 times, here it is again. MY SKIN IS SO SENSITIVE IT LITERALLY GETS OFFENDED BY EVERYTHING. This scrub manages to exfoliate without making my face flaming red and it really keeps my skin clear. The last time I got a facial, the facialist said that I don’t have acne, but rather when I get a breakout it’s because I have excess dead skin sitting around on my face and it eventually clogs my pores, so exfoliating is pretty important for me.

*Toner part 2, same one I mentioned in my morning routine

*Vitamin C serum, same as morning routine

*Curology

Ok, out of everything I’ve mentioned so far this product is hands down the biggest game changer. After going to the best dermatologist in my area and having her not even look at my face and immediately trying to put me on an oral acne pill, girlfriend was over it. I’ve never really had acne aggressive enough to be put on any type of pill, and not only that I didn’t want to hurt my body, your body is your temple! Though I personally wouldn’t take any oral acne medication, I totally understand and respect why a lot of people choose to because, after a certain point, enough is enough! I tried retinol creams but nothing has ever worked as well as this miracle in a bottle. I sent in three pictures of my skin and listed my concerns and what I wanted to get out of the product and sent it out for a Curology derm to review. After I received my free trial and saw insane results in only two weeks, I was hooked and have been using it for three months now.

This moisturizer is super basic and very hydrating. It sinks right into the skin and helps to balance your skin tone and brighten up dark marks. It has a really lovely scent and it puts me in a good mood when I slap it on before I hit the hay. Also, with all of the Everyone Skin Care line you get SO MUCH product and it’s so inexpensive with amazing ingredients. I use the smallest amount of this stuff and it will probably last long enough to be able to leave it to someone in my will, I wonder who the lucky recipient will be.
WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE END! Is anyone still here cause I’m not, typing with my eyes closed rn…..
These are my spot treatments. I look pretty hideous at night and lost all shits to give about it long ago. If someone knocks on my dorm door at night, I have no problem opening the door wide open, spots and all. It is what it is baby, I scare myself too so we’re even. My Grandpa used to call me the spotted owl, so ya I have a pretty sweet street name, srry 4 flexin. I use the Sudocrem for dark marks and the drying lotion for active pimples. I’ve gone through so many bottles of the Mario Badescu drying lotion, I can actually hear my wallet crying at the mention of it right now. Simply tragic, but got to say it really does the job. I like to think of my spots as sprinkles, everyone loves sprinkles…lmao.
Thank God, I’m done. If you read this whole thing I seriously applaud you, I think I blacked out at one point. If you have any recommendations please let me know because the hunt never ends. Also, this is 100% not sponsored obviously and the only one reading this is probably my mom hahaha so ya. I just really like things and when I talk about them, I eventually start sounding like an Avon rep.
Keep it real,
Savannah

What’s in the Bag? – My Makeup Essentials

I can’t help but agree with the saying, “when you look good, you feel good”. Now with or without makeup depending on how confident I’m feeling, this rings true for me. These are the essentials that I use to feel my best.

1. Maybelline SuperStay Better Skin Concealer

The quest for the perfect concealer was a journey that could only be compared to Jason’s quest for the golden fleece. Thankfully my long, painful journey was fruitful and you already know ya girl came out alive and successful!! Drumroll, please…… MAYBELLINE SUPER STAY BETTER SKIN CONCEALER!!! She is beauty she is grace. I use this concealer for my blemishes and under eyes and wow, amazing coverage that truly lasts all day. There’s nothing worse than having a blemish as red as a hot pepper on your face and not being able to get the coverage you want out of your concealer. AND…. an added bonus of actyl C is in this formula, which works to gradually diminish dark marks over time. I love that this helps get rid of my acne scars, and I feel proactive when I put this on in the morning because gradually I’ve seen it make a difference on my skin.

2. Maybelline Brow Precise Fiber Voluminizer

My eyebrows are naturally very thick, but also very blonde. I’ve always been a huge fan of Brooke Sheilds feathery, natural brows circa Blue Lagoon and this product is all of that in a tube. I use the shade soft brown and I like to think it’s a fantastic color for those of you blondies out there who may struggle to find a good eyebrow shade like I have. The fibers in the formula blend seamlessly with your natural brow hairs and the hold of the gel is firm enough to keep your brows in place all day, without feeling crunchy to the touch.

3. Lancôme Monsieur Big Mascara

To say that I’ve tried every mascara in the book would actually be a huge understatement. The number of mascaras lying in my mascara graveyard is honestly a bit shameful. Is a mascara that stays all day providing you with perfectly long, voluminous lashes just too much to ask for?!? I thought it was until I tried out this bad boy right here. I tend to get oily eyelids through the day so I’m always on the hunt for a mascara that doesn’t smear all over or flake. This one does the job and more, holding a curl and looking like you’ve just applied it minutes ago, even if it was really hours. (If it can stay perfect through a college frat party, it can easily go to hell and back, no question about it.) If you’re looking for a mascara with a more approachable price tag, I also love Loreal Voluminous Carbon Black Mascara, which is used on me frequently at photoshoots and is a Makeup Artist’s staple.

4. Rimmel London Kate Moss Face Sculpting Kit

Usually, my everyday makeup only consists of concealer, eyebrow gel, and mascara, but if I’m feeling extra fancy or have a few seconds to spare in the morning I’ll pop on some of the Kate Moss sculpting palette. I love this product mostly because of how easy it is to grab one product that has bronzer, blush, and highlighter all in one cute little container. I use the shade 001 Golden Sands and each of the products compliment my skin tone perfectly and seeing as I’m very pale It’s hard enough to find one product, let alone three that don’t make me look like a fool.

I hope this post helps some of you out there who are looking for makeup that does the job and actually performs like it’s supposed to. I’m happy that all of these products are drugstore (and my wallet is too), except for one which I’ve listed a dupe for. Happy hunting, and thanks for giving this post a once-over.

Keep it real,

Savannah